The Yoga of Relationship

The Yoga of Relationship with Diana Alstad and Joel Kramer (Yoga Journal Conference, San Francisco)

Unraveling a Knot: Process for Connecting
1. Getting Clear: Choose a knot (conflict, pattern, stuck place) to work on.
-Switch roles by taking other person's position with same emotion, tone of voice, logic, etc.
-State your own position as cleanly as possible to give your partner a feel of your living reality.

2. Anatomy of the Knot: Clarify Your Knot's Dynamics
-Identify the trigger words, feelings and tensions. Identify how and where each position "hooks" the other making you both defensive, reactive, hurt or angry.
-Which of your beliefs and values justify your feelings and give you a "right" to them? You can argue endlessly about values and never get unstuck.
-Ask yourself what's the worst thing that could happen if you lost, or give up defending your position?
-Do you get a hidden pay off from this knot? Just keeping the status quo can be a pay off - when it's in your self interest.
-Replay knot by interacting-but without trying to win or find solutions. Shift your focus from content to process by paying attention to both of your feelings and their causes.

Treat all feelings as important feedback, as "facts" rather than as either "justified" or not.

The key is to be curious and more into exploring and communicating clearly than winning, convincing, changing or getting back at each other.